Friend's Don't Let Friends Listen to Mark Latham

So it’s come to this. We are fast approaching Australia’s fourth most important day of the year (#1 Finale of Masterchef, #2 Harry Kewell’s obligatory 20 minutes in an Australian shirt at the World Cup, #3 Miranda Kerr’s Wedding..duh) and it dawned upon us fast at Sixpack that we were not prepared for election day Saturday.

This time around our lack of preparation could not be blamed on pure apathy.

Last election while both candidates were boring the campaign was at the very least entertaining. Howard and Costello’s joint interview was visual chemistry not seen since Gosling and McAdams on The Notebook (apparently, have refused to watch it) and Rudd’s interview on Rove was so hilariously awkward turtle that we changed the channel to something less contrived - like the Hills.

But this time around absolutely nothing has happened. Labor has clearly realised they are horrible at using real people for their campaigns and have turned to the leviathan application that is Flash, The Liberals forgot that if you want to get footage of a train wreck you could just ask Metro and the Green’s best advertisement was thought up by a couple of guys looking to win the hearts of messrs Anderson, Howcroft and Sampson.

But despite such disappointments, we here at Sixpack plead that none of you disenchanted to do a ‘Latham’.

The doyen of logic and sensibility that Mark Latham may be, a ‘blank’ vote, which is what Latham proposed in his reincarnation as a ‘journalist’ (am still recovering from the epic lol-ing) could possibly be the worst thing you could do to your country. This is not a ‘vote or die muthaeffer’ rant. This is a ‘WHAT THE HELL SIF LISTEN TO MARK LATHAM THAT MAN IS BATSHIT CRAZY. THE MAN FRIGGEN PICKED A FIGHT WITH LAURIES OAKES. LAURIE WILL MUTHAEFFING KILL YOU’ rant.

So as a service to all of those who are yet to decide where to place their highly valuable ticks this upcoming Saturday the Sixpack team have decided to trawl through the campaign and find you 5 reasons to vote for each of main players of this election. Upon reading this we hope that you are more enlightened and make the right decision for not only yourselves, but our man Laurie. Because in the end hasn’t it always been for him?

Why to Vote LABOR:

1) It’s not Abbot

2) You’re freezing at home and wondering which party will provide you with the insulation

3) Bear Grylls from Man Vs. Wild has promised to do an episode of ‘how to survive a full term in office’. Yet to be ascertained as to whether even our man Bear can do it. Swannie says he will ‘help’ him through it.

4) You want really fast internet porn but only if its been personally checked by Senator Stephen Conroy first.

5) It’s refreshing to see that when discussing ‘real’ and ‘fake’ the debate isn’t just about boobs anymore. Real beats fake by the way. Fake defies gravity... dude the only thing that can defy gravity is Superman.

Why to Vote LIBERAL:

1) It’s not Gillard

2) You value honesty about lying about honesty about lying about honesty. But only when said in print

3) You think that Abbot will be the one who will run/bike/swim our economy out of tough times

4) You want to see Joe Hockey jiggle when he jumps for joy. It would be slightly hypnotic, like a lava lamp

5) One day when the ice-caps melt, we’ve lost all our houses with rising sea levels and we’re pitched in eternal darkness from all the carbon emissions there’ll be a voice of optimism shouting ‘it’s just a pattern in weather, it’ll turn around eventually, 2% of scientists say so’

Why to Vote GREEN

1) It’s not Gillard

2) It’s not Abbot

3) It’s your favourite colour. Well apart from Blue. But there is no Blue party. A blue party would be awesome. They would have a blue house with a blue window. They would have a girlfriend, and she is so blue.

4) Although preference deals in most seats means that your vote would inevitably go to Labor you want to be a minor inconvenience and make the poor vote counter go through your vote at least twice. Some people just want all the attention.

5) Totally indie to vote Greens right now. Their old policies were better than their new stuff though.

Why to Vote FAMILY FIRST

1) It’s not Gillard, Abbot, Brown or Satan

2) Twitter would be really boring without Wendy Francis

3) They have a preference deal with the Australian Sex Party and you like tee-heeing when you hear the word sex (teehee)

4) To impress that blonde that sits across from you at Church group. She would totally let you tap her abstinence ring.

5) You have an ark ready and are convinced that rising sea levels are just God’s way of cleansing the earth, 1cm at a time.

Why to Vote DEMOCRAT

1) N/A

2) N/A.

3) N/A. Seriously, we get the joke. It's not funny anymore.

4) N/A. Wait it just got funny again.

5) NO REALLY. N/A. Actually wait is Natasha Stott-Despoja running? Mmm we'd like to Stott her Despoja.

So to all of you, regardless of whether you’re Left/Right/Central/Two and a half men fan we wish you all a great election day. Remember that your vote does count. Well only if you’re in a marginal seat. There’s no real point if you’re in a safe seat. But vote anyway. Then call the office of Mark Latham and tell him to shove it.

So many xoxo’s,

-Sixpack.

Ain't Life Tweet

It took us a long time for us here at Sixpack to realise the value of twitter. The merit of being regularly updated with 140 characters of mundane banality seemed so pointless that we dismissed the application quicker than Todd Sampson dismisses Russel Howcroft on Gruen.
Having a twitter account ourselves also seemed equally pointless, because we thought it would be horrendously rude of us to assume that other twitterers would enjoy following our banality. Does a tweet sound like a tweet if there is no one around to hear it?

And then Wendy Francis came along.

For those who are not well versed in fanatical ludicrous senate candidates, Wendy Francis is a member of the Family (God) First party and is up for election in the upcoming poll.
Last week, in her incredible sanity and infinite wisdom tweeted: "Children in homosexual relationships are subject to emotional abuse. Legitimising gay marriage is like legalising child abuse." Ahh that wench be crazy.

Now whacky Wendy can think whatever she wants about children going to homosexual homes. We’re still a free country (until Conroy’s filter get through at the very least). Our issue is that she likened it to child abuse. Child abuse isn’t funny. Gay marriage isn’t funny. Homosexual relationships aren’t funny (watch Will and Grace if you beg to differ). But Wendy Francis thinking that she deserves a legitimate voice in our public sphere with a contribution such as this is so hilar-y clinton.

David Attenborough would do a documentary on her and think that she was the most animalistic thing he’d ever seen.

A quick tip to Family First: if you want to stop being portrayed as a maniacal cult run by a guy that eerily looks like Ned Flanders then stop letting your candidates roam free like buffalo on the American plains.

REAL tweets that matter sound more like this:
· ‘'Off Forbes Richest #10 list. Ppl finally realise my horrible secret. I can’t act’' #NicoleKidman
· ‘'Hair totally just grew out of my armpit. That makes two now :)'’ #JustinBieber
· ‘'Even I don’t know who the hell I am'’ #HolgerOsiek
· ‘'Although I understand why LA Zombies is good, Labor says I’m not allowed to like it’' #PennyWongMP
· ‘'Asked Wendy Francis about my film, she enjoyed it’' #Bruce LaBruce

So sorry Wendy Francis, let’s leave the twitter craziness to the pro’s.

And Kanye.

If we had a debate, the election would be a party, it’d be ecstasy. Apparently.

After positive economic news and the holding of interest rates, it was of no surprise to us here at Sixpack that Julia Gillard demanded a secondary debate with her nemesis Kev… oh wait Tony Abbot.

The Australian voting public all collectively ran into the streets, shouting with joy, ripping off their clothes in a mass frenzy of euphoria, fuelled by pure political enthusiasm. Or not.
After the schamozzle (technical term) that was the first (and hopefully only) electoral debate, do we seriously need a repeat?

While nothing would entertain us more than re-living the glory that was the ‘fair dinkum’ drinking game (oh the aussie twine drunkenness) our two prime ministerial candidates have once again lost sight of what it takes to invigorate what has already been an incredibly dull political campaign.

Two robots arguing with each other with pre-loaded conversation modules may have worked on an episode of the Jetsons, but unfortunately for our two parties it no longer works at Sunday Prime-Time.

Debates don’t really change the course of elections. Rudd was always going to win his debates during the last election because no matter what spurted out from his opponent’s mouth, Rudd would repeat with the smile of a man who still had all of his original teeth.

Latham was always going to lose his debates because... he was batshit crazy.

With apologies to the workers in the electoral worm union (EMU), the all-knowing worm should be considered irrelevant in political discussion. You can’t rest our political future with people who are staring at a pad with two buttons that simply beg PRESS ME WHO CARES WHICH ONE JUST PRESS THE FRIGGEN BUTTON. People press buttons to put in cheats to Starcraft 2 (ZOMG), not vote in leaders.

If we are to have another electoral debate, measures must be taken to liven up a horrible spectacle. A taboo style card where our candidates can’t say certain words (moving forward et al) and failure to adhere to the rule would prompt a vuvuzuela… to the face.

Regardless, we here at Sixpack aren’t that worried, the new season of Inspector Rex starts soon on SBS and there is no way channel execs would dare take on such a ratings titan.



-Sixpack.
(Yes that is an Adam Lambert lyric in the title, we still don’t know what it means)