Friend's Don't Let Friends Listen to Mark Latham

So it’s come to this. We are fast approaching Australia’s fourth most important day of the year (#1 Finale of Masterchef, #2 Harry Kewell’s obligatory 20 minutes in an Australian shirt at the World Cup, #3 Miranda Kerr’s Wedding..duh) and it dawned upon us fast at Sixpack that we were not prepared for election day Saturday.

This time around our lack of preparation could not be blamed on pure apathy.

Last election while both candidates were boring the campaign was at the very least entertaining. Howard and Costello’s joint interview was visual chemistry not seen since Gosling and McAdams on The Notebook (apparently, have refused to watch it) and Rudd’s interview on Rove was so hilariously awkward turtle that we changed the channel to something less contrived - like the Hills.

But this time around absolutely nothing has happened. Labor has clearly realised they are horrible at using real people for their campaigns and have turned to the leviathan application that is Flash, The Liberals forgot that if you want to get footage of a train wreck you could just ask Metro and the Green’s best advertisement was thought up by a couple of guys looking to win the hearts of messrs Anderson, Howcroft and Sampson.

But despite such disappointments, we here at Sixpack plead that none of you disenchanted to do a ‘Latham’.

The doyen of logic and sensibility that Mark Latham may be, a ‘blank’ vote, which is what Latham proposed in his reincarnation as a ‘journalist’ (am still recovering from the epic lol-ing) could possibly be the worst thing you could do to your country. This is not a ‘vote or die muthaeffer’ rant. This is a ‘WHAT THE HELL SIF LISTEN TO MARK LATHAM THAT MAN IS BATSHIT CRAZY. THE MAN FRIGGEN PICKED A FIGHT WITH LAURIES OAKES. LAURIE WILL MUTHAEFFING KILL YOU’ rant.

So as a service to all of those who are yet to decide where to place their highly valuable ticks this upcoming Saturday the Sixpack team have decided to trawl through the campaign and find you 5 reasons to vote for each of main players of this election. Upon reading this we hope that you are more enlightened and make the right decision for not only yourselves, but our man Laurie. Because in the end hasn’t it always been for him?

Why to Vote LABOR:

1) It’s not Abbot

2) You’re freezing at home and wondering which party will provide you with the insulation

3) Bear Grylls from Man Vs. Wild has promised to do an episode of ‘how to survive a full term in office’. Yet to be ascertained as to whether even our man Bear can do it. Swannie says he will ‘help’ him through it.

4) You want really fast internet porn but only if its been personally checked by Senator Stephen Conroy first.

5) It’s refreshing to see that when discussing ‘real’ and ‘fake’ the debate isn’t just about boobs anymore. Real beats fake by the way. Fake defies gravity... dude the only thing that can defy gravity is Superman.

Why to Vote LIBERAL:

1) It’s not Gillard

2) You value honesty about lying about honesty about lying about honesty. But only when said in print

3) You think that Abbot will be the one who will run/bike/swim our economy out of tough times

4) You want to see Joe Hockey jiggle when he jumps for joy. It would be slightly hypnotic, like a lava lamp

5) One day when the ice-caps melt, we’ve lost all our houses with rising sea levels and we’re pitched in eternal darkness from all the carbon emissions there’ll be a voice of optimism shouting ‘it’s just a pattern in weather, it’ll turn around eventually, 2% of scientists say so’

Why to Vote GREEN

1) It’s not Gillard

2) It’s not Abbot

3) It’s your favourite colour. Well apart from Blue. But there is no Blue party. A blue party would be awesome. They would have a blue house with a blue window. They would have a girlfriend, and she is so blue.

4) Although preference deals in most seats means that your vote would inevitably go to Labor you want to be a minor inconvenience and make the poor vote counter go through your vote at least twice. Some people just want all the attention.

5) Totally indie to vote Greens right now. Their old policies were better than their new stuff though.

Why to Vote FAMILY FIRST

1) It’s not Gillard, Abbot, Brown or Satan

2) Twitter would be really boring without Wendy Francis

3) They have a preference deal with the Australian Sex Party and you like tee-heeing when you hear the word sex (teehee)

4) To impress that blonde that sits across from you at Church group. She would totally let you tap her abstinence ring.

5) You have an ark ready and are convinced that rising sea levels are just God’s way of cleansing the earth, 1cm at a time.

Why to Vote DEMOCRAT

1) N/A

2) N/A.

3) N/A. Seriously, we get the joke. It's not funny anymore.

4) N/A. Wait it just got funny again.

5) NO REALLY. N/A. Actually wait is Natasha Stott-Despoja running? Mmm we'd like to Stott her Despoja.

So to all of you, regardless of whether you’re Left/Right/Central/Two and a half men fan we wish you all a great election day. Remember that your vote does count. Well only if you’re in a marginal seat. There’s no real point if you’re in a safe seat. But vote anyway. Then call the office of Mark Latham and tell him to shove it.

So many xoxo’s,

-Sixpack.